hi friend | Jordan Ngo

Dear ■ ■ ■,

Hi friend, how have you been doing? I just wanted to write to you to let you know that I miss you a lot. Damn it, I’m barely starting this letter and I’m already starting to tear up a bit. It feels like it’s been forever since we last had a real conversation. Was it a few days ago, a few weeks, a few months? I’m not sure if I even remember anymore.

Do you?

I never thought that the day would come where I would write a letter like this—especially to you of all people. I’d entertained thoughts that we would be friends forever, that we would never change, that life wouldn’t… no, that life couldn’t tear us apart. Maybe it’s because I was too afraid to face reality? Too afraid to admit to myself that things couldn’t stay the same forever?

I’ve always hated goodbyes with an intense passion. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I’ve always hated heartbreak?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been afraid of being abandoned by the people that I love the most. I’ve had plenty of nightmares about it. It’s already happened to me and that experience still scars me to this day. Some days I feel as if these oozing wounds in my heart will never heal. That they’ll ache and bleed until the day I die. I know that’s irrational and I’m being melodramatic but sometimes I can’t help but sit and wallow amidst my sorrow. God has been bringing healing into this part of my heart for a long time now, but it’s been a slow-moving process.

This fear of abandonment has tainted my ability to love others sacrificially. To love you sacrificially. Because of this lingering fear, I always try extra hard to show others how much I love, care for, and appreciate them so that my heart can’t be broken again like it was so many years ago.

It’s my personal self-defense mechanism that I’ve perfected over years of practice.

Recently, I’ve been learning that loving others out of fear that they will abandon me is incredibly selfish. Sometimes, it doesn’t even work. It’s something that I always knew I would have to learn one day, but I just wish it wasn’t with you.

I can write you a thousand heartfelt apologies, but I know that they can’t change anything. I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me—not because I didn’t do enough, but because my love for you was self-serving.

You deserve better.

One thing that I can do though is thank you for all of our happy memories. I can’t help but smile as I think back on our friendship. Thank you for being my friend and confidant. Thank you going on adventures together with me. Thank you for telling me little nothings about yourself. Thank you for creating a safe space where we could vulnerably share our fears with each other. Thank you for listening to me when I mumbled really fast and for pretending that you understood whatever the heck it was that I was trying to say. Thank you for all of the late night talks about life, our struggles, and God. Thank you thank you thank you. Thank you so much. I can never thank you enough.

I’ve been so blessed by my friendship with you.

If there’s one thing that you could do that would make me immeasurably happy, it would be for you to continue to smile that small smile of yours. I’ve always loved it. I still do. I want you to be happy, okay? Even if I’m no longer a part of your life. Even if I just end up as a small, illegible footnote on a random page of the biography of your life. That’s more than enough for me.

Before I end this letter, I just wanted to let you know that I will always be there for you whenever you need me. Even if it’s years from now, I’ll be there. To be honest, my hope is that you’ll read this letter and that all of these fears won’t come to pass. May I continue to have the privilege of being a main character within your story?

…or maybe I never was?

With much love,

Jordan

For more by Jordan, visit his blog!

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